The Rules
OK, So We Have a Few Rules
Everyplace has rules to live by. We've got a manure truck full of 'em.
Age Rule #1 - Forever Option
For some reason, not a lot of people sign up for this option. Maybe when you're three the idea of looking and acting a little bit older everyday appeals to you. But when you start imagining what it is when your skin actually looks 10,000 years old you might want to pick another option...
Age Rule #2 - Time Freeze Option
A popular option for many age brackets is the option to stay the same age forever. The time freeze option locks in your age at the time of your arrival here. Like with anything else, however, there is a downside potential. Suppose you arrived here as an infant. Even as you "grow" mentally through experiences, you would be physically unable to do a lot of things.
Age Rule #3 - Pick One Option
All of us have (or had) a favorite period in our lives. Was sixteen a great age for you? How about twenty-one, or forty, or seventy-five? With this option, you can see that sixteen or twenty-one or forty year old you in the mirror every morning.
Age Rule #4 - Flexibility Option
OK, this one can be a little hard on those around you, especially if your loved ones are up here too, but it means that every morning you get to choose how old you want to be for the day. This one is also pretty high on the popularity list.
Age Rule #99 - Surprise Me
If you choose this option, every morning at 4:00 am HST, you become some random age. We picked this time because it's a couple hours after the bars close and you're less likely to be "in the middle of something."
Appearance
In the Lower East Side, just like Uptown, you can change your appearance anytime you want with just a couple of exceptions. So if you wanna "go blonde" all you have to to is think "I'll be a blonde today." Change your weight, height, body type, whatever in the blink of an eye. Want "exquisite facial bone structure"? You got it!
The exceptions:
You cannot change your eye color. The Big Guy made your eyes as windows to your soul, so if you mess with them you're messin' where you shouldn't be. (Besides, we use iris scans for ID around here.)
You cannot change your gender. You are what you are. If the Big Guy thinks you need to learn a lesson or two, he might change it for you.
Last Names Don't Matter
In the Lower East Side, like the rest of Heaven, everybody knows everybody --- from the time of arrival. Who you were or what you did before don't matter.
What the heck --- you got in, didn't you?
Anyway, your last name up here doesn't mean diddly, so we wipe it from your memory the instant you arrive. For all you denizens who fee "incomplete" without a last name, don't worry about it. You will remember your last name as the city, town, or berg where you got whacked.
"Wait a second," you're thinking. "I didn't get whacked. I died of natural causes."
OK, well MOST people (and critters) in the Lower East Side got here by being whacked. If you didn't and you still feel uneasy without a last name, it will be the city, town, or berg where you croaked. Feel better now?
--- Teddy Leadville
Who Whacked You
If you once knew who whacked you, you'll forget about it on the way here. Nobody here knows who whacked them. It's 'cos of the revenge thing. It's not allowed here. We might know, but we're not telling.
Wings
The angels in the Lower East Side don't have wings. We joke around that it's because we're infantry here, not air force.
If we really feel the need to fly someplace, and we don't want to hassle with the security lines and baggage check-in, we can rent one of those little jetpack deals like Q (who is Uptown by the way) used to give James Bond.
Truth is, we don't really need to fly anyplace. We just think about where we wanna be and Shazam! The guys in the Uptown Angel Squads still have real wings, though. The sight of 'em just gives comfort to a lot of people.
Commandment VI
Thou shalt not kill.
Some people translate this to read thou shalt not murder, leaving it open for all kinds of other life-taking actions they might feel is justified.
Nope -- it's kill... nobody should whack anybody, for any reason.
Permission to Whack Somebody
I don’t tell anybody to whack anybody, for any reason. If somebody tells you I said they gotta whack you before they can get into heaven, they’re lying.
--- BG
Whacking and Free Will
I could whack ‘em, in the old days, we used to call it smite back then, but that gets beyond the free will thing. Better to make an example of somebody.
--BG
Rule of Engagement #1
This is one more chance at redemption for the skydiver. It’s best you don’t screw it up.
--BG
(Teddy got fired from his Guardian Angel gig because he took a day off and the guy he was supposed to be watching died in a skydiving accident.)
Rule of Engagement #2
I know the whos and whats of it and you don’t. I could tell you but it’s better you find out for yourself.
--BG
Rule of Engagement #3
If you find out shit before the police do, you can’t tell them. You can only point them in the right direction.
--BG
(IF you can find a way to communicate with them.)
Rule of Engagement #4
You can’t smite the bad guys. You can’t smite anybody.
--BG
(At first, Teddy had difficulty with this one. He figured there were a lot of goons out there who could use a good smite.)